I tried to understand why on one hand I wanted something so badly, that at the same time just made me feel so sad and incompetent. When you are an artist, you don’t doubt it either, you just are. People say, when you are in love, you don’t doubt it. I started to believe in the genius-myth, that being an artist is something you have to be completely sure about.
I compared myself to others, who in my eyes seemed to be more talented and more productive and more successful and interesting. The pressure on me got so big that painting became the thing I hated the most. I didn’t like the stuff I produced anymore. Instead of flying to me, things got really hard. I was closer to my dream than ever before and I was never so far away from it. I moved to Berlin, expecting great things. When I became older, in my early twenties I was kind of ready to enter the real world and finally become that artist, everybody promised me I would be one day. All I cared about was the bliss that I got from drawing and painting. My father always used to say that Van Gogh never sold a single painting while he was alive, probably to comfort me.
My teachers in school supported me, for family and friends I was the creative one. When I was small, there was no doubt that I would become a painter or a writer one day. “I was closer to my dream than ever before and I was never so far away from it.”īesides my creative task, I tried to ask myself the questions, I had addressed to all the artists, designers, musicians and poets, I had met on the way. I felt like it always circled around this one big question: What does it mean to be an artist? Do you consider yourself as an artist? And how does it work for you? How do you manage with being an artist, financially, mentally, generally? So I bought a one day metro-ticket for Stockholm, put my pencil case and the tape-artwork of Carolin Koss from Helsinki into my backpack and set out for a trip through the city. Well, what to do? I had to do a domino with myself.Īlthough I couldn’t be my own interview-partner or assistant, I took it as a chance to try out how it feels like, to create something in one afternoon, based on someone elses idea. Maybe they were at the royal wedding or went to Berlin for the weekend, but I was left with nothing but blisters on my feet and a bunch of unreplied mails. Maybe bad luck or bad timing, but there was noone to be found for the domino-project. So here I was, in one of the most beautiful cities of Europe. I had spent the entire day on a ship to get to Stockholm.
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